Nightmare. (Digital Copy)

Disclaimer.

I don’t know if I should be doing this. By ‘this’ I mean selling my poetry book or writing a disclaimer for it. But considering my current state, it is something I feel I have to do. I wrote this book during the lowest point of my depression. Not only was I depressed, I was suicidal and suffering from anxiety. My soul sickness was a culmination of past adversity, and, in short, I was tired of being good. It wasn't just my Catholic upbringing nor spending most of my time in religious institutions (both Christian and Jewish) but my racist experiences within these institutions. Attempting to seek refuge within my community, I saw sexism rear its ugly head, and from then, made an executive decision to isolate myself. I’m done with your racism, sexism, classism, and social hierarchies that do nothing but hurt and bruise. If I avoided people, I thought, I avoid -isms, my cynicism saving me from psychological distress. I was tired of turning the other cheek. I was tired of showing loyalty and forgiveness to those who had not shown any to me, and I was tired of the expectations (societal and familial) that had been placed upon my shoulders. To me, humanity was not worth it, and dealing with myself was enough. Contradicting my avoidance tactic, however, I still took part in toxic relationships, behaviors, and ideas. But, years later, I found the light of Islam.

Then, why are you still doing this? You’re not supposed to expose yourself nor the wrong of others. 

And that's why I feel conflicted. But re-framing my past, I believe, is the best solution. From now on, let Nightmare. serve as a warning. This is what happens when you let society’s ills fester in your heart. This is what happens when you abandon yourself (morals, goals, and boundaries) and let the world win. In Islam, the word Jahiliyyah is used to describe the age of ignorance before Islam was revealed to humanity. Thus, this is my Jahiliyyah. When one veers off a straight path, potholes, barricades, and detours will be the nature of your road. It is in this veering, nonetheless, that we revert to the truth, and let its light guide us thenceforth.

There is a sense of shame and strength I feel in revealing my scars, but, reader, if you are able to identify with at least one poem, then I have done my job. Many of the views and opinions expressed in Nightmare. I no longer hold. My book is based on true events, and I ask one final thing - read at your own risk. 

This is a digital copy only.